Reflecting back - one year later

A reflection...

I had a wonderful homebirth with my first son, arguably the best experience of my whole entire life. I felt so strong, so powerful ... I did it!

Like most people planning a home birth, I had many nay-sayers. "It isn't safe", "You're putting your son in danger ... why would you risk his life like that?" "Really?" I thought, "do they not know me?" I would never put my child's life in danger! Plus, I believed (and still do believe) that in a normal healthy pregnancy, the best place to give birth, for me, is out of the hospital. He was healthy and strong, there were no complications, and man did I feel happy (& gratified!) when everything went pretty much exactly as planned.

When I got pregnant with my 2nd child, naturally I called the midwives right away and wanted everything to be as close to my first labour as possible. Deep down, however, I knew it wouldn't be. I have been to enough births as a Doula to not be ignorant and I know just how things can change. I still trust birth and believe it to be safe. However, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that just wouldn't go away.

Everyone told me I was being crazy; everything went so well the first time, so it will again.

This was agreed to be our last baby so I focussed on enjoying the pregnancy as much as I could. I went to Babymoon Ultrasound and got a dvd of my baby. I had a blessingway, and bought all the baby stuff I wanted!! I was 41 +5 when I had my first baby so nobody was really shocked when I went post dates again. I was as fine as you can be with being overdue, and trusted my body would do just as it did the 1st time. I went to acupuncture with my first pregnancy, to avoid being induced, and it worked. This time I tried it twice and nothing. I tried walking, aquacise, evening primrose oil, rubbing castor oil on my belly ... the list goes on. This baby was NOT ready. I had an ultrasound when I was 10 days overdue with my first baby and so I wasn't too nervous about having one again ...

My fetal assessment however changed the course of my labour/birth with no option of turning back. The amniotic fluid was so low, there was almost none. The Doctor actually said he had never seen fluid so low "without a baby not being alive". He then concluded I would have to go upstairs and be induced. I immediately burst into tears. The Doctor looked down at me, and realised what he had said. He then said everything would be just fine, baby's heartrate is fine, etc.  He then rubbed my leg and said he was so sorry. He said "I'll look again" and he tried to desperately to find some fluid, "a Christmas gift" he'd said, but all he found was a small pocket of amniotic fluid. He said it was fortunate we came in today and that within the hour I would have to be induced and he would phone my midwives for me.

I went home to pack my bags. I was an absolute mess. I tried so hard to fight back the tears, knowing this baby wouldn't be born where planned, at home in my warm comfy bed.  I was a mess, but my midwife Lisa came and sat by my side. She walked me through triage and even gave me a pink stone to hold and to keep to make it through the labour. I cannot thank her enough and I still have the stone today.

As we all know (or should know), the introduction of one intervention usually involves another. I knew that having my induction would be no exception but deep down I honestly knew that I would have a Caesearan birth.

I can't explain it, but I really did. My sister picked up on my anxiety prenatally, and around the 41 week mark she had me write down my fears and burn them in a cup. Once they have burned, you are to let them go ... gone! I lit the cupful of fears on fire let them burn a bit and then threw them in the snow.

The induction took hours to work and someone else was in labour and so Lisa had to leave, but would be back. I was not alone, still supported by my wonderful sister and husband. The induction picked up and my baby was not tolerating the labour, not one bit. I couldn't move around at all, as when I did his heartrate would get worse. As it was, I was on my side and things were bad, but they got worse when I moved. They placed a scalp clip on the baby's head, but even with that my baby's heartrate was dropping to the 20-30 beats per minute mark ... and with each contraction I got really anxious. So much so that my sister and husband ended up turning the monitior so I coudn't see it. Instead I  concentrated on a handmade card from my four year old, it gave me hope that all would be well and I found the courage to carry on.

Apparently there were times that my baby's heart rate went down to 0 on the monitor and it wasn't being picked up. I had no idea that this was happening, however, as I couldn't see the monitor. With each contraction, I asked "What was it this time?" "How low did it go?" and they would make up some random number, such as "60" or "90", so I could carry on. I didn't really know how bad it was, my midwife, Kelly (Lisa couldn't make it back) was behind me rocking me through each contraction ... it was a godsend. My sister was also behind me, trying to fight back the tears (so I couldn't see her). My husband stood in front of me, holding my hand and was as strong as a rock, so I had no idea things were as bad as they were. They all protected me, so thank-you!

I ended up in so much pain from the induction and not being able to move that I did say I wanted an epidural. But when Dr.Robison came in, I asked her for a Caesarean, instead. She agreed it was necessary and pulled me off the monitor and stopped the induction and we were quickly moved towards the operating room.

On the way to my Caesarean I was scared, but I also knew deep down my baby would be ok. I remember clearly saying to Ryan " I can't go through this for him not to be ok".  It felt like I was in the O.R. forever without my husband. When they put the spinal in, I leaned over Kelly (she didn't give them an option, she was coming into the O.R., and I thank her for that, too). As I leaned over her, she said positive affirmations and told me how strong I was. I've heard horror stories of Caeasarans where Docotors are insensitive and talk about golf games...etc. This wasn't the case. Dr. Robinson played Christmas music and nobody talked unless it directly pertained to the procedure.  I can't thank her enough for my Caesaran, it saved my baby's life. After the procedure Dr. Robinson left, and I haven't seen her since. 

This was one year ago tomorrow. I hope Dr. Robinson somehow reads this someday, as I am eternally grateful that she saved my baby's life and could never thank her enough. Kelly wasn't one of my midwives, but mine couldn't make it back and she stayed with me and supported me when she really didn't have to be there and for that I am also grateful. I am also grateful that my wonderful husband and Doula sister were there and protected me as best as they could. I am so lucky to have had such a supportive birth team!!!

I don't have any hard feelings when it comes to my Caesarean birth. Everyone that knows me thought I would have a hard time with it. Perhaps the fact that I have had the "perfect birth" helps. And/or the fact that it was an emergency Caesarean. I don't know for certain, but I am ever so grateful that I live in Canada and that we have skilled surgeons to perform these surgeries when necessary. 

A year later, as I type this reflection, tears are running down my face, but they really aren't tears of sadness.

Upon birth, my baby was perfectly fine. In fact, he was thriving; he was never taken away from me. Instead of seeing my birth as a failure or feeling sorry for myself, I know that it could have gone much worse. My baby was alive and healthy which was all I ever could have asked for. A year later, when I look down at my tummy,  I can see the remains of the scar, but it is really faded and small. It will forever be there but will always remind me of just how lucky I am!  (as cheesy as that might sound).

The day I got home from the hospital I checked my e-mail to find an e-mail from ICAN (International Cesarean awareness network) asking me if I would like to run the Winnipeg/Manitoba Chapter. Of course, they knew nothing of my caesarean birth, so I took this as a sign and said yes. Having had a baby to look after over the course of this past year, I haven't had the time to devote towards it as I would like but I thought that was a strange coincidence. Later on I came across the mug of fears that I burnt and threw in the snow, only to find that the Caesarean fear was the only fear that didn't burn away. Coincidence?

I'll end with huge "Thank-you"s to all of those people who supported me through my difficult recovery post-Casearan. There are too many people to thank! Thank-you! Thank-You! Thank-You! You certainly learn who your friends are during a hard time.

My intention with this post is simply to self-relflect and to thank anyone who touched my life during such a difficult time. It was not my intention to take away from anyone else's feelings on their own caesareans as there are countless caesareans that happen that don't need to (but that's another rant).

I am living my life grateful for my birth by Caesarean and I am at peace with the fact that it happened. A year ago today, I faced my biggest fears (birth-wise) and came out stronger. I feel I am a better Doula & Instructor for it. Plus I received the most precious gift anyone could have hoped for, my baby, who will turn 1 tomorrow!!

If anyone ever wants to talk about their caesarean or birth experience I would be happy to.  I can be reached at birthvine@gmail.com.

Abbey